It is well past time for resolving a serious problem that has plagued this community for nearly a quarter of a millenium. We should put aside the transient issues of taxes and growth and new schools and even the endless paving of streets and illumination of the downtown area to finally resolve the problem of what to call a resident of Lititz.

Actually, from 1756 to the mid-1800s it really wasn't a big problem since a resident of the town of Litiz (that's the way it was spelled before the post office got involved) was called a Moravian. But in 1888 when the borough was incorporated and non-Moravians began to flock to Lititz for the health benefits of its spring water and the growing industrial base and internationally recognized educational opportunities, a new name for residents was needed. We could just call residents of Lititz, Republicans but the six Democrats in town probably wouldn't like that.

So, let's stand up and be counted and proudly call ourselves Lititzians, or Lititzites, or Lititzastrians. The last of those options is based upon the fact that residents of the county seat are called Lancastrians. Having spent two years in Turkey where the natives are called Turks, I am wont to suggest we consider the title Lits. Or we could follow the German method and call ourselves Lititzburgers, which would make Mayor Russ Pettyjohn our Lititzburgermeister (actually, I'd like to see us go back to Burgess for that position and I always assumed that a hamburger at Rosey's on Saturday was a Lititzburger).

I asked a friend of mine in Philadelphia, after he visited our fair town, what he thought the residents should be called and he quickly responded, "Slow". I immediately informed him that I thought New Yorkers were "fast" and that Philadelphians are about half that speed-sort of half-fast.

But the question continues to beg resolution. Our tourist visitors generally refer to Lititz as "cute", so perhaps we could call ourselves Cuties. Meanwhile, the spell-checker on my computer keeps trying to change Lititz to Latin, Latex or Lutes (it also wants to change Moravian to Marvin).

Ornithologists might recommend that we adopt the name for a group of the most populous bird in our midst, but that would be crow and groups of crow are called a murder. Why not consider borrowing from the most populous animal? Hmmm. Don't think I would like to be called a squirrel either.

We could all take on the common name for our high school sports teams and become Warriors (except for those old timers from Lititz High School who would be Pretzels). Ah, the twists this simple question has seen. But once again we face the dissatisfaction of the Native American community as they complain of being exploited. I've suggested that we keep the name Warriors but change our mascot from an American Indian to a U. S. Marine-now there's an emblem to be proud of.

I admire the way the Lititz Record-Express saved us from being the books between two matching Warwick Centers at both ends of town along Route 501. This burning and longstanding question is in need of resolution and our sole representative of the Fourth Estate is eminently qualified to provide that public service. What do YOU want to be called?

Assuming that we could all agree (and that might require placing a question on the next ballot for resolution), how would it be recorded and implemented? There must be a government agency for registering a community nomenclature. A thorough search of the Washington, DC and Harrisburg phone directories do not yield a phone number for the National or Commonwealth Nomenclator. There must be one; I can't imagine that our elected representatives have actually passed up such a potential boondoggle.

Joe Pitts please take note. Considering the current trend of de-centralizing government (the FCC is in Gettysburg, the National Aquarium is in Baltimore and thousands of government jobs are now firmly placed in West Virginia) the FNB (Federal Nomenclature Board) could be established right here in this district. Senator Wenger, surely Pennsylvania would need a statewide commission to interface with the FNB-let's get the Pennsylvania State Commission on the Identification of Indigenous Population Groups (PSCIIPG) established in Northern Lancaster County.

When the massive office buildings are constructed and hundreds of local folks are employed we could ask Wally Hofferth to name them for us.

If I play my cards right maybe I can get Joe Pitts to sponsor the legislation and have me named to the position. "Glenn B. Knight, DNG, National Nomenclator" would make an impressive business card.